Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Almost 25 and Clueless

I still don't know what to do with myself. At almost 25 years old and apparently grown 2 inches according to the doctors (whattup 5'8), I am still beside myself at what to do. I'm at the point of my life where I should be making decisions instead I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm scared because I have all these wonderful benefits from the military but do I like being in the military? No, I'm constantly told what to wear and how to be. Today, I was told pretty much that being myself, who I truly am (headstrong, blunt and a hard worker) wasn't fit for the needs of the military. I was told to keep my opinions to myself and pretty much smile and nod, agree wholeheartedly at everything. Just shut up and color. Judging by my wonderful blog you can tell that I am not the type to just shut up. If I don't agree with something I'll let you know but if I'm right, I got proof to back me up and if people are arguing with me, well, prepare to get shot done, I'm bringing guns blazing. I'm passionate, I give a shit about my work ethics. I have no issues with the military itself, its a wonderful institution and a great stepping point. For me? I cannot sit here and honestly say I wake up and feel like I've done something worthwhile. I'm not passionate about the military but if something has my name on it, I'll give you something you'll never see before, a bad ass product with a mouth.

So, now what? I can't just up and quit because I have a contract for four more years and I'm terrified to start over. It's not like I'd start over without any help, my parents will be there, they can support me financially until I get back on my feet no problem. I just hate starting from the bottom and being like yo, I'm here but maybe that's what I have to do. I haven't been blogging because I'm truly at a loss with my situation. I've always said if the military stops being fun and stops sending me places to live like Japan, South Korea and now England, I'm out. I'm still in England but fun stopped a long time ago. I knew from the get go I wasn't passionate about this, I stayed because I wanted to make my family proud but yesterday I was crying my eyes out, my friends and family asked me 'when will I put up this hat, when will killing myself mentally over something I'm not passionate stop'. So, now I'm back at square one. I'm a single, 24 1/2 year old with no job prospects, just got my associates and finishing up my bachelor's this year. What to do? I don't want to go back to where I lived, I feel like I failed but my dad always says, the might always fall to his or her knees it takes a strong person to get back up.

I gotta get back up. I gotta keep pushing. I gotta figure my life out because I have four more years to do it. Start saving and start planning. I gotta figure out a job that is mostly dealt in solitude. A job that rewards me for being who I am and being great at it. Yeah, sometimes, I get pissed, shouldn't I get pissed about something job related? I don't know, I do not get my energy from other people, I enjoy being by myself, drinking wine and reading a book. Then the weekend after spending time alone, I like hanging with my friends. Sometimes, I like to shop on my time off and update my body jewelry, which by the way, I should probably go to Freshtrends and buy myself a new belly ring. I've had the same belly ring since I was 23 and that's a little ridiculous. I do clean it, please don't judge me.

Anyway, we will see how this goes but this will be a whole new journey for me. I will attempt to start blogging again. I feel like I failed and I take failing very personally. As I should.

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